Reflections on a Holy visit

Having the opportunity to reflect is an extremely rare opportunity for me, one that I often deprive myself of. Tonight I find myself sifting through some of my social media history, and I can across a blog post that I wrote just over a year ago about my minor-pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia.

I wrote this post with very good intentions of writing more about this incredible experience, but I ended up not doing so. I remember exactly why I didn’t. The experience that I had was extremely humbling. In this first post I described it as being an ant in the amazon, but perhaps it is just more practical to describe it as being one person among a million – because that is literally what it feels like. There are people everywhere. Every single place that you go you are constantly surrounded and it takes a lot to hold your own.

Visiting this place is one of the most important priorities in the lives of muslims across the world. And when they get the chance to be there, they are there, all the time, every second and hour of the day. And so when it is your chance to be there, you need to be there with total respect for everyone else. Even though they are pushing you, and sitting right close to you, and even though your personal space is so greatly violated, all you can do is to just show the greatest respect for your fellow muslims.

This process was extremely humbling. I, personally, had to withdraw a lot of my voice, my rash emotions, and my uneasiness. I had to climb into a bubble of calmness and tolerance and I had to suppress my opinions and frustrations. This process truly helped me to get the best out of these holy cities. It helped me attain a level of connectedness and I was truly happy and grateful to be there. The experience was so blessed and I hope to return one day.

When I got back to SA, the world seemed a strange place. People didn’t dress the same as they did in Makkah anymore. “Normal activities” (like sleeping and eating) weren’t planned around prayer times, instead it was the other way around. Leisure activities were prioritised over visiting holy sites. This, no doubt, is definitely the way the world functioned before, but now, it was a strange place to be. Because I was still in my cocoon. I was still in a bubble of calmness and tolerance, and I was quiet. And this is the main reason I didn’t write any more posts about my time there. I wanted to stay in my bubble, and keep that feeling of connectedness and the “norm” that I was used to.

Over time I adjusted back into necessary routines, but I fondly remember that experience and am happy to have reflected on it tonight.

Jun 25

Sharing something relevant

I’ve been scouring Facebook for intellectually stimulating and worldly relevant articles, with only a little success. You may laugh that FB is my searching place, but the fact is that it is an excellent place to share relevant, educational and thought-provoking topics. FB doesn’t have to be filled with mindless, brain-numbing, irrelevant content. Really, it doesn’t. All you have to do is to share a little less of the irrelevant, and share a little more of the stimulating. There was a time when I didn’t have enough time in the day to read all the amazing, good articles on my FB timeline, but that time is gone, and I’m eagerly waiting for it to come back. So this is my challenge to you – share something worth reading, something that can make minds tick, and brains work.. I understand that everyone uses their social media for different purposes, but this is just my request. I’ll continue looking elsewhere for good things to read too, but I have high hopes that this shift can happen.

Mar 21

Farewells

Another day, Another farewell.

I am left here in this empty house,

no longer a home, in this city,

no longer safe,

because all that made me safe,

is now somewhere else in the world.

I am left in this empty house, in this empty city, in all its beauty,

and I am grateful for what we had,

and I am left wondering,

what next, who next..

Mar 2

Mes-Mraz’d

My heart is happy.

Last night I had the greatest thing happen. I had my heart made so full that I could only but feel a bit down today. I had my heart filled to capacity with happiness, that a normal amount of happiness feels..less.

Last night I saw Jason Mraz in concert. He performed at the Teatro at Monte. For anyone who has been to this venue before, you’d know that it isn’t a typical venue for music concerts for big stars. The Teatro accommodates just under 2000 people, and if I were to think about the number of people that would want to see this guy in concert, I feel privileged that I got to be in the 6th row to watch him play. And it was magical.

In my life, I don’t listen to a whole lot of different music all the time, but rather, I find music that plays important roles at different times in my life. And this guy, Jason Mraz, has been there. His sound, his songs and his positivity has been there in my life.

When you spend time with music, and you go through experiences in life with certain music, the relationship with that music becomes a special thing. And when you are able to bring that relationship to life, and experience it in person, it adds something to your life. It fills your heart, it makes it so big that you don’t even know what to do with all that joy, with all that love, but just be grateful.

A few a years ago I was part of a training exercise where they tried to physically demonstrate what we do with our feelings. One of the demonstrations that stuck with me was the one on what we do when we feel really happy. The demonstration showed that we want to hold onto that feeling really tightly, we don’t want it to let it go. And when we hold onto things really tightly, their default is to want to get out. And the point of the demonstration was to say that when we are feeling what we are feeling, we need to just accept it in that moment, enjoy it in that moment, and know that it will pass. It showed me that holding onto any feeling to tightly will not mean that it will stay, in fact, it will make it go away faster. And so here, with my heart filled with happiness, all I could do was just enjoy it while it lasted. All I could do was to be present and enjoy my full heart.

With other great music performances, after the performance I got to see them in my mind when I would listen to the music again. I have not had a chance to hear his songs yet after the show, but when I do, I can only hope to see his brilliance in my mind once again.

So even for the person who does not know him, he is an amazing performer. He is an extremely talented musician, truly loves and lives the music, he lives for positivity and goodness, and he brings all of that to his performance. He makes happiness, and gives it to us.

Unfortunately, he didn’t play this one at the show, but everyone should have this on their playlist..

Feb 26

Unfriendly hitching

I wish I lived in a country that was friendly to hitch-hikers. Or rather, I wish our country was hitch-hiker friendly.

I spend a lot of time driving. And 90% of that time I spend driving alone, maybe even 95%. While it isn’t a huge car, there is almost always enough space for four other people in it. And there are always people in the street, walking, needing to get to some place.

While I don’t assume that they all want/need a ride, I’m pretty sure that many of them would be grateful for it. Many of the people I see walking are often walking between their public transport stops. Walking from the taxi stop to the train, or from the train to the next bus stop, etc. Some are just walking to get to the next taxi stop so that they may pay a bit less for taxi fares. Some walk because there is no public transport to where they need to go, or there is just no money for it. People walk, a lot. People walk for hours, and it is HOT. Or it is raining. But it is most certainly hardly ever “nice” conditions for walking. So why is it so hard for me to just stop and give someone a ride?

“Because they are strangers and you don’t know them and you don’t know what they could do to you” is the answer I give myself to make myself feel better as I drive past them. I look at their faces, and they don’t seem like they will do any harm, but I just seem to “know better” than to pick anyone up from the side of the road. But that just sucks. That doesn’t help anyone. What if they aren’t a murderer or a thief, or any sort of bad person, and they’re just a person looking to get to a place. Many of the people I see are school kids, but even for them my answer is “you don’t know what they’ll do”. I feel terrible, because I can make someone’s day just that much easier by giving them a lift.

I am not assuming that transport is the answer to the world’s problems. In fact, I can see how there can be many new problems arising from this. But all I know is that people would be grateful if they were offered a free ride, for at least part of their journey, to make that bit a little easier in the afternoon summer heat or the afternoon summer rain and I wish I was strong enough to oblige.

Feb 23

Jan 31

The holy cities: Part 1

I miss Makkah. And I think I’m finally ready to write about it.

Algamdulillah (praise be to God), I was blessed with the opportunity to visit the holy cities and sites in Saudi Arabia – Makkah, home to the holy Ka’ba, and Madina, home to the mosque of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

I traveled with my parents and we arrived in Jeddah, which is an hour outside of Makkah. We were to spend our first week in Madina, and were to catch a local flight from there. Jeddah was, well, overwhelming to say the least.

Saudi Arabia is a place that people visit for one of two reasons; Religious calling or work. On this particular morning, the crowd was definitely mostly there for pilgrimage reasons. It was chaos. Arriving at the airport, my head was filled with instructions from family members who had been before on what to do, but I couldn’t really think or process anything, it was all just a lot to take in. There were just too many people. I was told to expect it to be full, but here were no words that could have been used to explain what this truly meant. In this crowd you are swallowed up, you are made to feel tiny, insignificant, like an ant in the Amazon. It is no fault of anyone. This place is a destination that every Muslim is obligated to visit at least once in their lives, if they can afford to do so. So it will always be full. And you will always be an ant in the amazon.

This city, and this airport, did not comfort me. But it gave me a Kickstart to what I should expect for the rest of the trip.

My mom and I got through the passport control queue quick enough, but my dad took about an extra half an hour (as they had separate queues for men and women) as he just got put into the slow queue. We decided to wait for him before collecting our bags, as this was definitely a safety-in-numbers situation.

He eventually got through, and we went to collect our bags. All the trolleys were taken by the “trolley assistants” which I was quite upset about. I don’t like being forced to use (and pay for) a service that I can do myself. It was only after the airport hustle died (and when I had room to think again) that I remembered the source and trials of this labor force, who are mostly from Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Indian origin. I won’t delve into this too much, but my compassion for the “helping hands” offered to me for the rest of the trip definitely increased.

We landed in Madina just after sunrise. I don’t remember the airport, but I remember the first sight of the sun on the mountains, the fresh morning sir, the ease of getting a taxi, and the complete tranquility at the thought that I was in the Prophets city.

Jan 28

Coping

I am now old enough to have had enough experiences of people leaving to know how I tend to deal with it, and I have realised that my coping mechanisms are essentially avoidance and denial..

When times of change arise, people usually get busy with planning for the change, arranging things, wrapping up work, saying goodbye to friends, packing, etc. And through all this, there is very little time for actual quality time. The kind we used to have in abundance when I would spend weekends at your house and we would talk and not talk, and eat and entertain ourselves for hours on end. And so now, when there is so much to do, it is easy to avoid quality time. Mostly because I figure that it wouldn’t really matter, because the time in the past is in the past, and the time in the future is, well, unpredictable. The other part, the denial part, is mostly me also just avoiding the issue completely. Just keeping busy with all the things I actually do have on my plate, and just pretending that it will all be ok is key. Because I guess it will all be ok, but for now, right now, I just want to not be ok. Because this is a sad week, and I just want to feel the sadness for what it is. It is an end. It is an end to the way I know life. And picturing it without you makes me sad. So I will be sad, and I will avoid things sometimes. And eventually, it will actually be ok. InshaAllah.

Jan 15

A drawing feeling

Today I had the strangest feeling. The greatest feeling, because isn’t every feeling a sensation of your senses. I was having a lie down on the couch, and I could vividly feel every inch of my body being drawn down towards the ground, like each point of my body was a tiny heavy boulder, and each boulder at each point in my body was being drawn towards the earth like that was its only purpose for existing. Gravity. How lucky was I that there was a term for this feeling. But is there anything more to this? Not scientifically, but the purpose of gravity, why does it exist? Why is it important for us to be fixed to the ground? Why is it important that I felt that every inch of my body was being drawn down so furiously. Was it because I subconsciously feel the need to be engulfed by the earth, or because I had just had the deepest most relaxing afternoon nap and my body was free of all tension that all that was left was its pure mass.. My thorough enjoyment, and my attempt to make that feeling last as long as possible tells me I should probably try to get back there one day. I think I should start some yoga and meditation classes.

Dec 11